dark days of the soul
So.... I haven't been coping very well the last few months. Or. Perhaps I've been coping, but that has meant just getting by, keeping up with my responsibilities without stumbling, but not taking much joy in anything, not wanting to take the extra time to reflect.
The last months of the year last year, I was traveling for work, worrying about my mother, worrying about my job targets, worrying about Spanky, who was about to start a freelance job that she didn't want to do. So it was making her bitter and sad, which made me worried and sad and nervous.
Then, the new year started with me throwing up non stop, and then having a really hard conference experience where I got sick, at the conference, for the first time in my ten years of doing this job. WTF, world.
My mom had to have another surgery, and I spent a week taking care of her down in Florida. It wasn't fun. I love my mom, but she wasn't feeling well, and I really did have to take care of her, for a week, by myself, with no help. I'm not very good with that sort of thing. It's why I don't have kids. I am not a nurturer, and I'm certainly not selfless. But I did my best, and she's feeling better now, and soon will be healed good as new. But Spanky's still working, and now SHE's sick. I missed her birthday, because I was down in FL at my mom's, we had a fight on our anniversary, and nothing seems to be going right. It's really all I can do to just keep things together.
I realize that I'm throwing a very first-world pity party for myself right now, and that's really why I haven't been updating.
I have gradually stopped everything that I enjoy doing, except knitting. It takes me forever to read anything anymore, I haven't felt like practicing the drums, and even though Spanky's working nights, and I have the freedom to watch movie after movie that she would hate, I have been so tired myself that I haven't done half of what I thought I would with the extra time. In fact, I just have more chores to do around the house, since she's not here to share them with me. Oh, poor me. I know, I know, it's sickening.
Not everything's been bad. Spanky and I have been able to spend time here and there together, and work seems to be going well. But I do feel like I'm spending more time at work, and less time on the things that make me happy. I just have no extra time! I don't understand how to make more. I know they say you make time for the things that you really want to do, but I have very little energy anymore, and I just want a week to sleep.
Plus, I'm turning 40. And you know what? I don't feel old. I just feel tired. Like nothing is worth the effort anymore. I think this year is going to be a very uncomfortable one for me. There is going to be some fall out, and it's not going to be pretty. Right now, I feel the pressure building. Maybe the spring will signal the release of some tension.
But maybe I'll come out on the other side with a better appreciation for what I do have--the relationship with my family, for example. Sure, I didn't get to use that week of vacation to go relax at a spa, but I was there with my mom, and able to help out when she really needed me. I can't pay her back for all the time and effort she put into raising me, but I can do that much. And hopefully, when Spanky wakes up from the nightmare that she's living right now, she'll look around and realize that I kept the house together while she was working, and that everything is going to be ok. And maybe, I'll find enough hours in the day to do some yoga, practice my drums, cook dinners that aren't made up of breakfast cereal or Subway, and still be able to relax and watch movies and knit.
I can try, right?